I've been in a maelstrom of self reflection these days. It's no wondrous surprise that when dear ole theater friend, Beth Marshall, picks up on my psychic vibe - she goes for the jugular! She assigned the year "1991" to my wall this morning, and the moments and memories began to flood.
What a year it was. In fact it was such a year, I wanted to honor it here on my blog.
Wanting ... Needing ... Waiting ....
Debuting on the Billboard HOT 100 that first week of 1991 was Madonna's anthem to lust, "Justify My Love". With it's "Too hot for MTV" video, the song would perfectly foreshadow the year ahead.
I was 14 years old and entering the second half of my eighth grade school year. I had just started to thin out from what was a torturous several years as a fat middle schooler, and time was running out on the sentence I was serving in a conservative parochial school. For years I searched high and low for a place to belong, not fitting in anywhere. Nobody was really interested in hanging out with a chubby, pretty boy, who rebelled against the establishment with scorpio like stealth. Except of course, the chicks who could see through all of my bullshit and loved me for who I was. They became my rock and so it was with them, 1991 dawned with a bang bringing with it the best friends anyone (especially a boy) could ask for. I started hanging out with the "Hot Chicks", and it seemed that everyone was on my side, including the boys. Remember the movie "Footloose" and that town that wouldn't let it's kids dance? That was us, and I was Ren (Kevin Bacon's character in the film). One night at a school lock-in that was held in a bowling alley/fitness club, I highjacked all my girlfriends and took them to the pool hall. Mirrors lined the walls and wood floors that paved the ground, resembling a bad 80's aerobics room, accentuated by a lonely ghetto-blaster that sat at the head of the room. Always armed with Madonna, I had the foresight to bring my headphones and walk-man. That night I taught the Ladies how to "Vogue" and together we brought the house down. Even the preacher watched on as we tore holes in the ground, albeit with a little bit of awe, and a little bit of disgust. It was clear that things were changing.
My girlfriends were getting their periods, and I was getting my question marks.
May of that year I won tickets to an advanced screening of what would quickly become one of my favorite movies of all time,"Truth or Dare", the provocative behind the scenes look at Madonna's life while taking her "Blond Ambition" tour around the world. Inspired by her in every part of my life at the time, I remember wearing my favorite outfit to the premier- A navy blue and while polka dot silk shirt (from Structure!) with my white 501 jeans. The outfit was a near match to the same one that designer Jean Paul Gaultier created to don Madonna's dancers in whilst performing the encore anthem "Holiday" on the tour.
Just the previous year I had found my new home in the local community theater, giving me self confidence, passion, and most importantly, intention. I knew almost immediately at I wanted to peruse acting as a career and I was immediately committed to needed whatever needed doing to make that dream a reality. With this new found sense of purpose and direction in my life there was a bit more pep in my step and a whole set of challenges no 14 year old is prepared to deal with. The summer of 91' brought me the opportunity to get back on stage again, this time in a children's summer stock production of the circus musical "Barnum". While my high hopes of being cast in a major role were muffed by politics, juggling fire was the lesson I would become the master of.
Crawling out of my shell that summer was a painful and arduous process. Not for me though, but for the people around me. As I cringe just recollecting it I can't help but smile. I was the original Kurt (from the hit fox show "GLEE") before Kurt had even been born. I started to voice my opinions more and started to strategize who was on Team Tuttle, or better yet, who I wanted to be on Team Tuttle. Like Kurt, I broke an adoring chubby black girls heart, I befriended the homliest underdog of the crew, and I managed to rally up a few rebels to snark and sneer in the direction of "The Chosen Ones".
Above all, I would meet the person with whom I would aspire to be like when I was twice my age.
14 is impressionable, especially when the impressions are illusions. I fashioned myself off of the people around me that I wanted to be like. I took on their likenesses including their styles and even their language- be it their regionalisms or thick Italian accents. I liked what they liked, and tried my hardest to see the world through their eyes. There was a particular director that I was working with at the time with whom everyone loved. He was talented, smart, good looking and was headed for his masters at the most prestigious ivy league school in the nation. People would throw parties just to raise money for his tuition. He was the Golden Child of the local theater community.
I wanted to be just...like...him.
That fall, I took every opportunity to be around this person. Including fierce manipulation of said "homliest underdog of the crew" to be my personal driver in her antique yellow Pinto. You see, she too, was high on delusion of our friend the director and as such, she was given an amazing opportunity to work closely with him that fall. I trailed along like an eager puppy dog, just waiting for the moment to pounce, and boy did I. Karma has a funny way with things, and just as I had manipulated said "homliest underdog of the crew" she too, manipulated me or worse, my words.
And as they say, all ears were watching. In the blink of an eye, the golden child turned his back on me - encouraging his talented disciples of ants to follow their leader blindly. To his defense, with the bit of gossip that he heard, I cannot say that I blame him. Everything comes back around eventually, and on my end, immediately, my reputation - now 15 years old - was tarnished. I tried repeatedly to set the record straight, running into him time and time again. He wasn't having any of it. Thankfully, the experience gave me the ability to understand at an early age that nothing comes without perseverance, nothing ever worth anything is free, and most importantly, NOBODY is worth following. That fall I began my freshman year at a brand new public high school. My first week there I was cast in the fall production of "DRACULA" in a meaty, leading role and I began to build my own piece of land, surrounded by love and encouragement with my fellow cast and crew. As the final frame appears in the banned "Justify My Love" video, it highlights a key lyric from the song;
"Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another"
While I was fresh in my new role on the stage, I was certain that I had found my place as a leader offstage, making 1991 one of the most significant years of my life.
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