What a chunk of time it's been.
The last time I sat in this airport NYC bound, four years ago, things were much, much, different. At that time I was returning back to New York as a trained inner-city youth teacher, (a career I took knowing it would be temporary) incredibly gutted that during my training here I didn't get discovered at Mel's diner in an act of God that would insure my place in Hollywood forever!
LA has a very deep-rooted significance in my life, best pointed out by the greeting of an old friend who exclaimed "Welcome Home" upon seeing me unexpectedly at the dawn of my first Shabbat there, where it all began.
She didn't mean it literally, or maybe she did.
My brief stint (nearly two years) in "The City of Angels" blessed me with some of the most significant gifts of my life, thus far. For starters, It led me to my first spiritual teacher and it opened the gates of heaven for me to begin a lifelong journey along a spiritual path which changed my life forever. The path that chose me is the path known as Kabbalah.
Armed with the eponymous red string tied to my left wrist, opportunity forged its beautiful head in my direction. Within six months, I had one of the best acting coaches in LA (Christtina Chauncey) which led me to my very first feature film audition (on the Warner Bros. lot, I might add) which I booked, and which gave me my SAG card - one of the biggest milestones in a professional actors career. To add cherries to chocolate cake, I was in the best shape of my life. Healthy, Happy, and Hot (with a whole lot of Ego to match). It also flung open the floodgate to a love that I didn't know existed within me- The magic and power of children. I was introduced to an incredible organization there called "Spirituality For Kids", which quickly became my second passion riding solely on the coattails of acting.
You might ask then "Why would you ever leave this Disneyland of sorts?"
It wasn't by choice, I assure you. They tell you when you start studying spirituality to be aware of all the incredible miracles that happen to you. Essentially, it's a test, or the hook if you will. What comes next is the hard part. Ever heard that phrase "Sink or swim"? It's after this honeymoon phase when the going gets tough that the hard work ensues.
Painfully hard work.
The great sages say that to the degree you are certain of the path of the just is to the degree that you are tested. I had plenty of opportunity to agree to certainty so the road ahead was paved with equal opportunity challenges. Practically poverty stricken (I am deeming "Poverty" a relative term to mean; the dependency upon others to make the ends of the ends meet) opportunity knocked back home in New York, so I fled. Always feeling like I would return.
Moments before I boarded the plane back home from my last visit in '07, I bought a copy of Variety at the airport newsstand to study whilst air-born. Around that time Oprah had made a brave statement by promoting an independently produced self-help movie called "THE SECRET". The movie illustrates perfectly the delusion of the Universal Law of Attraction, which (according to the film) promised such fortune in this world simply by imagining it and feeling what it would feel like if it were true.
I just knew that if I focused all my energies into the pages of that magazine that there was still a chance that Spielberg would just happen to be traveling on the same plane as me and know, with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY, that I was his next rising star!
Ok, I wasn't that delusional, but I did (and still do, to a much different degree) believe in "THE SECRET". Nothing you can possibly image can come to light without a tremendous amount of effort, that is the key component missing from the movie.
I never thought four years would pass between that trip and this one. And wow have things changed. For starters, I get Variety delivered directly to my iPad, and I am returning to New York to my JOB on one of the hottest shows on Cable Television, with more excitement than I ever have had about work.
The highlight of my time spent in Southern California was my four-day adventure down to Carlsbad to see one of my best friends and her family. Including her 2 year old son, Grant, whom I would be meeting for the first time. Carre is my hero in many ways. She is someone whose strength amazes me at every crossroads we are met with. At about 5'2 and maybe 100lbs, she is a fierce warrior who endures unapologetically blazing through life as one of the best mothers I have ever known.
The last time I saw Carre in California she and her husband Greg lived in a small one-bedroom apartment located in the "Beverly Adjacent" section of Los Angeles. They had moved to LA from NYC shortly after the 9/11 tragedy. Two years later I followed in their footsteps with a, then unknown, soap star named Martha Madison in tow. With reason really unbeknownst to me I took a blind leap into an ocean in which I couldn't see the bottom. I knew for sure I would swim, but I was unclear on how much water I was going to have to tread and how exhausted It might make me.
Many times throughout my time living there, the water was deep and the tread was treacherous. But never was there a time when Carre and Greg weren't my SOS. We fluctuated stages of being broke. Carre would cook for me when I didn't have enough money for food, Greg would slip me $10 bucks to jumpstart my tank of gas. When the money moon favored me, I would return the favor with incredible gratitude. You rarely meet people like this in life. These people I call family.
On May 10, 2006, Carre gave birth to her first son, Jackson…in her living room… in a whirlpool… with a midwife! (told you she was a hero) I remember the first time I held Jackson; As I type this the emotion comes back to me so vividly. I cried with crazy abandon for absolutely no reason at all. Carre looked at me mirroring my sentiment, for that is what she does best. She feels what you feel, and mutually we both were in awe.
Over the course of the following two years, I would spend as much time as possible at their place, welcoming the opportunity to babysit whenever I could. Jackson became my little buddy, still then unable to speak human words, his eyes spoke volumes to me.
Fast forward to now. Except for a few brief stops in NYC, I haven't had the opportunity to watch Jackson grow up. It had been nearly two and a half years since I had seen him last and as the date approached, I began to think about how our reunion would go down. I have had enough experience with kids to know that they remember the last show they watched on TV, when it comes on again, and the main musical theme - that's about it for a 5 year old. I was prepared, and so was my eager heart.
Sure enough, when Carre picked me up from the train station he got a case of the "Mama, I'm shy's". In complete awe of the perfection of the creator, I would try periodically to catch a glimpse of him in the mirrors. How perfect, how eye opening and jaw dropping it was to witness how this little boy was already growing up WAY too fast. When he would catch my eye, he would burry his face in his car seat, trying to make sure I knew he was shy… and every now and again, I would catch him trying to check out who this dude in the front seat was.
When we got back to their house, it took all of 5 minutes before we were flying around the house, bouncing through a series of activities that he and Grant currently employ to entertain their summer months. Building blocks, Mickeys Clubhouse, Milk (yuk!) time, Chugginton's addictive little chuggah, chuggah, chuggah tune … and so on and so forth. That evening welcomed all of us together, including Carre's brother Vince (also vacationing from New York) to dine together in the beautiful dining room of Greg's new restaurant. At one point I remember looking at Carre half way thorough "This makes me happy" I told her. "Me too" she replied.
The next four days we spent nearly inseparable. Every night I would tuck Jackson into bed and he would ask me, "how many more days do we have before you have to go?" always followed by an "Are you sure you can't stay longer than that?" and then a simple innocent "Why?", and every morning I would wake to find him patiently waiting beside my bed to begin our daily routine of activities.
It's amazing what kids know. My process of studying spirituality and working with children has taught me that "Kids say the darndest things" because we adults need to hear them. Jackson is no exception to this paradigm. On my first day, as I was laying down on the floor exhausted from the adventure, he just bursted out "BALANCE IS TRUTH", while using me as a bridge to get from one side of the couch to the other. We all looked at him in complete amazement. Boy was it what I needed to hear. Balance is one of my biggest struggles in life, and truth is well … relative to the balance. A few days later, he said to me "Why are you so fake?" … I was so shocked. He was absolutely right. In the moment I was pretending to do something that I didn't want to do, for the sake of going with the flow, and he called me out on it.
I was also amazed at the way he plays. Jackson LOVES to build things. He revels at the possibility of what the blocks can do, and his imagination is awesome. We built a hotel, a house, a tower and a church. He asked me about God – I loved that. And whenever we had put the very last finishing touch on whatever we were building he would look at me and say "It's perfect now" and then proceed to bulldoze the entire thing over only to start fresh again. What a lesson. I wish I could do that in my daily life. See the perfection in everything and then just let go and move on to something new. GENIUS!
Those four days I spent with them were some of the best days I have had in a long time. Being around children you learn not only the importance, but the severity of being in the moment. I'm working on that too.
Friday sent me back on the beautiful train ride to Los Angeles. For a particular stretch of the trip, the train runs along the coast of the Pacific Ocean. It's easy to daydream and watch all the surfers doing their thing in the waves, making me realize that there are definitely perks to living in this flow of life.
Later that evening another monumental surprise of sorts waited for me; a reunion with a majority of my theater friends from High School back in Orlando. It's always in these moments that I am truly humbled by the awesomeness of the universe, conspiring to help people achieve their dreams. Most of these friends followed each other onto film school and then relocated to LA when they graduated. They have traveled in their pack for nearly ten years. I admire this, but certainly don't envy it. Being a guest at the table works just fine for me. Especially when you sit around a huge dining room table and hear about all the amazing stories of the lives they are living. In particular, the underdog of them all, now looking better than ever and living his dream of writing for network television. He has written episodes of extremely well known shows, including Desperate Housewives. Several of our other friends who couldn't make it to our little shindig in time were working on a project with The Muppets! THE MUPPETS! Usually these types of gatherings stress me out, you know – all the "catching up" you have to do in the short amount time. How can you possibly catch up on 10 years in 2 hours? Truthfully you can't, and I didn't. I just enjoyed their company and indulged in their bliss. It was very rewarding indeed.
As my trip came to a close on Saturday a whole new slew of inspiring moments flew my way. Thanks to the miracle of Facebook, I have been in touch with a guy I went to elementary school with! Frank works in the entertainment business as well. WOW is all I have to say about him. This dude is pure genius and brilliance in physical form. Aside from recently being appointed Creative Director of a major PR and Advertising company, he is meeting with producers about a TV spec that has the potential to revolutionize how we are "entertained". I will leave it at that.
That evening I was treated to an incredible star studded performance of the musical HAIRSPRAY at the Hollywood Bowl, an experience that you just had to be there for. Pure Magic watching Pure Light do its thing on that stage, again accompanied by an old friend from NY that had relocated to LA for a fresh start, who had found success rising over the horizon.
Sunday morning on my way to drop off my rental car, I purposely drove down Melrose Avenue, past the big white pearly gates of Paramount Studios. I took a picture, which will now become the screensaver on my iPad. It reminded me of the first time I was ever on that lot. I was working on a now failed TV pilot that was done shooting for the day. As I walked back to my car, I noticed how beautifully the sun drenched the sky. I looked up only to see the big HOLLYWOOD sign off in the distance. In that moment I felt just like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard " I've come home at last" she says.
Home is such a funny word. I have come to realize that for me, home is not the place I go to rest my head, but the place I go to be with people I love. It's going to work at a job I love, because let's face it - spending 16 hours a day with a group of people, it's inevitable that they become family. Home is also knowing that the angels are with me, regardless of continent or coast, regardless of external circumstance, or internal turmoil. I have always maintained a healthy dose of "Grass is Greener" in my morning cup of coffee. I always wanna be THERE. I want tomorrow to be HERE AND NOW, but this trip helped me to realize that LA is home to me, and so is New York, home is wherever my family is.
Home is that point in which Balance Becomes Truth.
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