I've Failed (At Failing)

This morning, as I woke to a rather over cast day in (Hurricane Season) sunny Florida, I arose with with gratitude in my heart for the gifts and blessings that are granted to me every day. I said a little mantra of thanks to the universe, and went on my way..

...on my way to bitter folks who didn't get their order right at Starbucks.

... on my way, to frustrated wives, sneaking a cigarette outside on their cell phones bitching about their husbands.

... on my way to angry kids, from northern locations, hollering and screaming that they came ALL THE WAY TO FLORIDA FOR THIS ????? (This being, the grey clouds in the sky and the rain hovering above)

Then I stared to think... WHAT FUN ! Let me join in all this bitching and complaining, so I started my own rantings of "what about this .. what about that .. " I agreed (as usual) with the kids, found compassion with the chick bitching about her husband, and all of a sudden, my coffee was too cold.

Sure enough, as I begin to join them I begin to see everything that is wrong in my life. I begin to see that My career didn't reach the height/goal that I set for myself this year. I still haven't married my partner of 5 years and started the hunt of children which I so desperately want, I see that with all the success I have had, I still didn't make enough money to make me "happy".

On top of it all, as I look in the mirror to size myself up, I put on my once-sexy Gucci bathing suit, and I am all too aware that as my Dad Say's "That dog don't hunt".

Just then a news flash occurs. I remember that one of the most precious of cosmic events is right around the corner, the "Whole-y Day" Rosh Hashana. (Click here for "What is this?')

SMACK !

I am reminded, yet again, of all of the time I have wasted in the last several weeks that has been available to me to maximize the potential of this special day. A special day that insures renewal and rebirth, with the proper intention.

So in all my reactive spirituality, I turn to one of my favorite "energy boosts", www.dailyzohar.com.

Today's offering (click here to be directed to it) uses the example of a cell phone to illustrate a very powerful point. Zion, the site's creator and my friend and teacher, goes on to say:

"Most of us have a cellular phone that helps us communicate with the rest of the world. Only a few know how it works. Never the less we treat it as a magical piece of glass and plastic and with a few touches we can transfer our voice and image to the other side of the world.

Even if we don’t know how it works, we use this device on a daily basis; keep it safe, charged and protected from damaging elements so we can use it again and again.

There are some devices and tools that the Torah (a cosmic blue print - not just a book of stories) recommends us to use. We may not know how they work or what the benefits for our soul are but we should use them the same way we use our cellular phones"

I must point out, I am of the most avid appreciator of my devices! I use my brand new iPhone 4 as if it were an extension of my hand. I rely on this phone as my means to a whole other dimension, which I can not see, taste, touch, smell or hear, but rely on to keep me connected.

This message in the above passage hit me like a ton of bricks. A simple shift in my consciousness allowed me to open my eyes a little further, and see these tools that are around me that I let just sit there. As you read the rest of the Daily Zohar (A tool within itself), day in and day out, you get very clear indications of many of the tools available to us daily. Right here, Right now.

As I began to think about this, I looked outside this huge window I have, upon my view of the majestic Atlantic Ocean, and remembered a "tool" I rarely use. It's called a Mikveh.

A Mikveh is a spiritual bath. With a few simple meditations, you completely (without touching anything) immerse yourself in a large body of water continuously, multiple times, to metaphysically cleanse and remove negativity. We all began our ascent into this world very much the same way, immersed in water and every time we do a Mikveh we get the chance to purify and start over again and with each dunk into the water, we dig a bit further and deeper to cleanse ourself.

Off into the ocean I went.

As I approached her, she seemed even more and more fierce than she looked from my hotel window. Her waves strong and powerful, Her undercurrents like a good mother, pulling me in further, deeper and deeper. I began to meditate, with each emmersion I started to feel the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. At one point the meditation became so intense, I had to take a moment to capture my thoughts and emotions. My head came up out of the water, and SMACK a huge wave hit me in the face, reminding me to go further and deeper.

After a good ten minutes, I collected myself and began to head back to shore. As I walked back to my hotel room, I remembered that at no point is it ever too late to start over.

The only way we truly fail, is by not getting up and trying again.

Stepping Aside to Start A New / The Space In Between

The below post I began writing the day after my show, "Not While I'm Around", closed. For some reason, I abandoned the post and it stayed in my "saved drafts" file. There were several abandoned posts there, and as I revisit them, I see why. The time was now to reveal them.

Seeing as one of my biggest "issues" in this lifetime is to finish what I start, I feel like it's time to complete these posts and "update" them. All current notes are in THIS BLUE TYPE.

June 26, 2010

I have noticed a recent scene in the movie of my life. I call it "The Space In Between". If you have been following me for a while you know I keep a separate blog called "Eliminating Space" that I like to air all my poetry about life and it's complexities in. So why would I be now focusing on the space in between, if what we want to do ultimately is REMOVE the space in between?

Excellent line of questioning. However, I do have an answer. And clearly so does the universe ...

In the past, I have always felt like I had to be in the middle of something to get the full experience of it. For example, this week I had a huge project come to fruition. It was a cabaret show we created called "Not While I'm Around". This project has been huge for me, both personally and professionally. For the show, my friend and co-creator Tommy Foster and I decided to share the story of our friendship over the course of the last 15 years. A huge piece of that story is how our paths went separate ways. At eighteen, Musical Theater meant the world to us. The dream of singing and performing in a Broadway show marked the pinnacle of importance in our lives and we were destined on making that dream a reality.

We just went about it completely different.

I moved to New York thinking that within a short matter of time, that dream would be actualized. "Reality" set in for me and my life became about surviving, not thriving. All of that said, I would not take to the stage (to sing in a musical) for fifteen years.

Tommy's life took a different route. He went onto higher education in some of the best musical theater schools in the country. He developed an instrument that far surpasses the words I could use to describe it to you (click here to listen to his cover of P!ink's SOBER). It is obvious that the effort he has put into developing his talent has paid off handsomely.

Our show went well. It was a huge epic moment for me, because of the significance it had in the big picture of my life. We were only scheduled to have one performance, but as the universe would have it, we are not quite done telling this story. Actually, the universe is not done with us sharing this story, so I am happy to report that it will have legs and move onto bigger things.

At the time, this was true, and I am sure I will create many more pieces like that one, however, I feel like "Not While I'm Around" Served it purpose and there is no need to take it further.

I am feeling like my next "Musical" will be original. One of my greatest role models is the incredible, Stephen Sondheim. This year Mr. Sondheim celebrated his eightieth birthday and I had the merit to attend one of his many celebrations. His life has inspired me in ways I cannot begin to share here. In fact, just Sunday I found the book "Sondheim; A Life" at the Strand bookstore. The book has been out of print for sometime and is the only authorized biography of the masters great life. I've just begun to dive into it, but in the short tenth of a way through, I am compelled to attempt the audacious fete of writing a musical. Audacious for me, because I have zero experience in composition. We shall see, but I stand by my motto "IMPOSSIBLE = I'M POSSIBLE" !!!

Today is different though. For the past several months I have wondered how this first day of "The Space In Between" would feel like to me now, the space in between completion of one thing and the uncertainty of what is next. All the hard work and challenges, all the fears conquered, the new level of friendship Tommy and I have achieved ... the list goes on. All that is the after glow. But it's not the grit. The space is uncertain. That's where the comfort becomes painful. What do I do next? What do we do next? Where do I put my energy?

Shortly after "Not While I'm Around" closed, I had the merit to be asked to work on a movie called "My Idiot Brother" standing in for actor Paul Rudd, and making a cameo as "The Earth Taxi Driver". Those seven weeks proved to be some of the most rewarding and exciting weeks of my life. ( I will write about that later in the week bli neder )

However, what is the same is "THE SPACE IN-BETWEEN". I sit here at 1:40 AM on August 26, 2010, with the eagerness for that next project. But content in the process that will be neccesary to reveal it.

I was unusually calm before our show Wednesday night. Unusually. Perhaps it's because I knew it was the beginning of a new chapter. I had the same experience on Friday night after the director of the movie yelled "THAT'S A WRAP" for the last time as we completed principle photography and would not be seeing the same faces in that capacity again. Usually these moments are very intense for me. I get sad to see everyone go their separate ways. I was incredibly happy Friday night. For everyone and everything that they will go on to to. Myself included.

I feel so safe here. I feel like all my needs are met, like I don't have the pressure of the chaos of the outside world, Yet, not so safe that I am comfortable to just "Let" something fall into my lap. It's now time to get busy, to create and to share endlessly. I was reminded tonight that to the degree your desire is to share something, is the degree that you will find the space to fulfill that desire. I WANNA SHARE IT BAD!!!!

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have arrived here incompletely complete.

Walking home this evening I got a message at the forty second street subway station. A message that I have seen a zillion times, but never paid attention to; the message yelled at me:

"STEP ASIDE" and the number 42

Way too often I get in my own way. I start to think that I can do it all myself and that everything always has to be perfect, in my own control-freak-Virgo way. This message reminded me that I must get out of my own way and LET GO to let the Light in.

The number 42 is quite powerful as well. Without going into great detail, (please feel free to email me if you wish to know more) it's the numerical value of The Ana Bekoach, the Prayer of Creation, used by great sage's to leave the past behind and to start a new.

Step Aside and Start A New.

10 Things For Gemini !

Well dear friends, it's here. You have asked me WHEN the next 10 things will go up and I can no longer further delay your gratification! On that note, thank you for reaching out and telling me how much you enjoy the monthly column.

One of the reasons that I have delayed so much in posting the 10 things, is because we have been in an intense period of cosmic goo, called Mercury in RETROGRADE. As of today, Mercury goes direct and it's now ok to move forward with starting new things, as a matter of fact, it's encouraged! The moon enters the constellation of Gemini today, and as is on any new moon, it is encouraged to plant new seeds, renew commitments, and set a plan for the coming month.

So here goes !

10) Holiday Blend Coffee from Barney's Coffee Company (Orlando, FL)

Ironic isn't it ? Lately the weather has been rather cold and clammy for this time of year.

I had one day in which I had to break out my cable sweater and make good on one last round with my UGGS for the season. Low and behold, in my freezer, I found a pound of Barneys Coffee Company's Holiday Blend Coffee! I had been saving it for a "snowy" day. While it wasn't exactly snowy - it was cold ! and my Holiday Blend kept me cozy.

This delicious blend is a bold bean with flavors of amaretto and cinnamon. Being a seasonal selection, it's only around for about 2 months out of the year, so I will savor each scoop of this deliciousness.

9) Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill (Amazon.com)

This book has been around for decades (1930's) and contains millionaire success secrets

from the wealthiest men of that time including; Andrew Carnegie, Thomas Edison, Henry Ford and many Others. The book has always been one of the top in it's field and I finally managed to download a copy to my Kindle (for $.99 I MIGHT ADD). What have I discovered since ? All these men had one very massive thing in common. MIND OVER MATTER.

8) Jamie Cullum - The Pursuit (itunes)

While searching for new arrangements for the title song of our Cabaret show, we found in one man, some skills

that out define my favorite word, Amazing.

This young English jazz singer, will give you chills with his endearing vocals and inspire your soul to sing to in a multitude of ways with his keys.

7) Bloody, Bloody Andrew Jackson (thepublictheater.org)

Every once in a while a piece of theater comes a long that truly "takes center stage". This one will be on the tips of theaterfolk

tongue for a long time commin'!

Beginning this weekend, they are adding a late night Saturday performance for $50 (including a cocktail)

Story telling at it's finest, this rock musical perfectly illustrates the history of one of our earliest presidents, founder of the democratic party, Mr. Andrew Jackson. Exploring his egocentric need to dominate, the first words out of his mouth are

"You Are Sexy .." to the audience.

Told through a score of head banging hits, led by Benjamin Walker (as one sexy version of Mr. Jackson) this musical is sure to ignite Broadway in the near future.

Now playing at the Public Theater, "Booody, Bloody ..." has already received two extensions to it's sold out run.

If you can, you must.

6) Horseradish Martini (Pravda on Lafayette St. in Soho)

There are no words to describe. Just experience for yourself.

This smooth Russian vodka is infused with fresh horseradish for a period of time, then is served chilled straight up. I know it sounds nasty, but you just have to trust me on this

one.

5) Uninhibited Perfume (no longer available in stores)

When I was about 12 or so, I used to go with my mom shopping to the mall, as all pre-pubescent boys do. I always found myself wandering through the perfume department (both sexes!!!) because I found so much candy for my 5 senses there. Pretty bottles, colourful adverstisments, and luxurious smells.

If I do recall, the year was about 1988, and as I walked through the counters at Burdines Department Store a lovely lady with very big hair and a southern accent handed me a sample of "Uninhibited" "It's by Cher, your Mom will love it as a gift" she said to me as she handed me a card with the perfume sprayed on it.

Well, it never made it to my Mom because I LOVED it. I had no clue who Cher was or

that she was such a sex symbol at the time. I didn't even know what the word "Uninhibited" meant! but I kept that card in my backpack at school and it's luxurious scent always cheered me up. I remember thinking that I was very wealthy when I smelled it, and that propelled me to think like the star I wanted to become - even in math class!

Every time I went back to Burdines I would beg them for a sample. I never did end up owning my own bottle of the perfume because it was discontinued by the time I made enough money to fork over my Benjamin's. Until now ... So for kicks a month or so back, I went searching on Ebay for it and sure enough - I found a brand new bottle of the pure perfume! The dealer told me how rare it was and how it would never go bad since it was the pure stuff, so ... I bought it.

Now, I enjoy exploring it as a layer to another oil I have in

my cabinet by Red Flower, A Cardamom and Amber oil. Together they give off a very special aroma that blends, for me, the past with the future.

4) How To Train Your Dragon (in 3D)

If anyone would have ever told you that this was my favorite movie thus far this year, I know you would never believe them. That's why I am telling you directly. THIS IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE THIS YEAR SO FAR !!!!

3) Cabaret Theater

Cabaret has been around for ages. Essentially it's an "ACT" that a performer(s) creates to share something from their heart through their gifts and talents. I have always loved going to Cabaret clubs and seeing other performers do their thing, and always wanted to do a show of my own, but never had the opportunity.

Until Now ...

2) "Not While I'm Around" - A Simple Cabaret, About the Complexities of Friendship. Featuring Tommy Foster and Daniel Bobby Tuttle

Wednesday, June 23rd @ 7pm - The Duplex Theater

www.notwhileimaround.com to make a reservation

Tommy and I have been friends for nearly fifteen years. We have had our ups and we've had our downs. But one thing has always remained and that is that we have always been there for each other. Through some of our favorite songs we share the roller coaster that has been our lives, both together

and apart.

1) Proactive Confrontation !!!!

Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it ? until now I learn the secrets !

Where has this one been all my life. For me confrontation has gotten a bad wrap. I have never been one to ruffle feathers, for sake of not being liked (Shocker !!!)

When, I think confrontation I think Rocky Balboa.

And Lets face it, I'm far more Adrian. This Italian stallion doesn't want to ruffle it's mane!

So, you ask what changed my mind?

I learned that by not confronting someone or something, you prevent both yourself and the other person from growing. When you use the tools below, you have the opportunity to see things from a different perspective and remove your ego from the equation.

Here are some pointers;

1) Take responsibility. It's in your movie for a reason. Being a victim only perpetuates the drama.

2) wait 3 days before you act. In this time self reflect and send the other person complete unconditional love.

3) When confronting the person, always ask them "may I share something with you"

4) Always thank them for the opportunity to share. After all, it's a chance for you to grow.

( 5 ) (I'm adding this one myself) After you are successful in your confrontation, be humbled by it. Don't go around boasting to yourself and others how "you were always right all along". You will just short circuit and have to go through the same lesson all over again.

That's it my friends. See you next Rosh Chodesh (New Moon) with the 10 things for June!

Not While I'm Around

When I was a kid I had a Little Yellow Big Bird toy that I carried with me every where. Protruding from Big Bird's Bum was a little key that, after a few cranks, crooned a tune that would stay with me forever.

Many years later I grew to love the work of composer Stephen Sondheim. As I diligently studied the scores and librettos of his brilliant catalogue of musicals, I came across "Sweeney Todd". I had a listen to the cast album, and much to my awe, I found the origin of my little Big Bird tune. I started to cry as I listened to the lyrics for the first time. The song was so perfectly called "Not While I'm Around".

In "Sweeney Todd", a common street orphan boy called Toby is taken in by Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett. Initially the couple monopolize on the boy's needs and they feed him in exchange for his hard work in their pie shop. A relationship that begins as selfish and opportunistic eventually becomes a very endearing one. Towards the end of the show, Toby is convinced that Mrs. Lovett is in danger and as a promise to protect her he sings to her the above song. The Lyrics are simple yet, very endearing;

Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.

Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.

Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,

I'll send 'em howling,

I don't care, I got ways.

No one's gonna hurt you,

No one's gonna dare.

Others can desert you,

Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there.

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while,

But in time...

Nothing can harm you

Not while I'm around...

I've always been a staunch Sondheim fan. If I were to live my life only performing and bringing to life Stephen's complex characters, I would die a happy, happy man. Each and everyone so rich with layers that it's not hard to find a bit of your soul in each of them.

Last week I had the merit to attend Mr. Sondheim's eightieth birthday celebration at City Center. As I watched some of the most talented people in the world perform his music and pay tribute to him, I knew I was not alone in my sentiments.

On June 23, 2010, Tommy Foster and I will perform our first cabaret act together. We have titled it "Not While I'm Around" and it is billed as "A simple tale, about the complexities of friendship". While it is not a full out Sondheim tribute, there are a few of his greatest melodies performed and interwoven with such an eclectic brew of tunes, ranging from P!ink to Peter Gabriel to Charles Strauss.

Tommy and I have known each other for nearly fifteen years, and over the course of those years our paths have diverted and reverted, run parallelle and perpendicular. But one thing has always remained - we never gave up on each other. That is why we have named our show "Not While I'm Around".

To follow and track the show's progress as well as to make a reservation please go to our website www.notwhileimaround.com.

Thank you always for your unconditional love and support. We look forward to seeing you there.

"The Business"

There is an old term they use around my spiritual center for telling you (or better yet, telling you by NOT telling you) where and how you need to grow to become a better version of you.

They call it, giving you "The Business".

In layman's terms, it's pointing out the rather "smelly" parts of your character. All Ego. Some ego is good, yes, but the ego that goes with "The Business" is never good. Usually it's stuff like neediness and entitlement. In my case, it's usually (but certainly not limited to) rooted in my need for approval. Lately, it's gotten out of hand...I am gathering.

Think of it like this; your "business" is like that pile of papers in your office that has been stacking up in the corner that you know you need to deal with, but for some reason or another has become almost decoration to you. In fact, you'd hate to see it go away because what ELSE will you put there!

That's kinda the story on my approval shit. It surfaced it's ugly head pretty bad this week.

You see I started a new job as a bartender a few weeks back in a fancy restaurant downtown. That was the first mistake. I never really wanted the job to begin with, in fact I knew this would happen. However, I took the job because it fell into my lap and I was feeling like that was the next best step for me to take to ... please my partner.

Ouch. The truth hurts.

I don't think he really wanted me to take it either. So that makes it worse. Perhaps I took it out of a little spitefulness? I tend to do that when I am feeling my livelihood threatened. BAM! Major "Business".

Every day of this job has been a nightmare. I would love to tell you about it, however, they made me sign a document saying that I would never talk about how bad it is. So ... I digress.

Naturally, being the one who "believes in the light" so much, I started praying. For a miracle to happen. That I would get an acting job that would take me away from there. Something that would give me a good reason to resign with, as opposed to "You're an asshole and It makes me sick how you treat people", because that would be confrontation, and CONFRONTATION, my friends is BAM! More of my "Business".

Last Wednesday I got a call from the restaurant. One of the other bartenders, whom they hired me to replace was let go and they needed me to step up my availability to take over his shift on Friday Lunch. So I did. Because I have a hard time saying "NO". BAM! More of my "Business".

In doing so, I missed out on a meeting with my teacher (which I only get to have about every 3 weeks) and had to end up paying for a singing coaching, which I had to cancel last minute and couldn't even attend. The singing lesson is $55. I made $46 on my Lunch shift.

When I got to work on Friday I noticed that my schedule for next week was already fucked. I teach a class on Monday's at the Dept. of Probation, and when I got hired there I was very clear about not being available during that time. I am scheduled for Lunch on Monday. Scheduled then again for a double shift on Friday and Saturday night.

This morning, first thing, I received an email from one of the casting offices I regularly book work with. She was asking me about my availability for Friday, because she wanted to book me on a film. I responded to her email "No, I'm sorry I am unavailable Friday". That's me "Mr. Loyalty-to-a-fault" BAM! "MAJOR BUSINESS"

Later today while spending time with Karen she asked me if I had booked work recently. I told her, "Funny you ask, they emailed to book me today, but I told them I was unavailable because I was scheduled at the bar"... She lost it, and rightfully so.

I mean, look, here was that answer to the prayer that I had been waiting for... and I missed it. I was too busy being caught up in the bitching and moaning about the restaurant that I failed to see that the opportunity.

When I took the job I made a promise that the bar would never interfere with my Acting. Now, I had blatantly lied to myself. BAM .. more "Business".

I thought about it for a second and emailed casting back, explaining that I was now available. It still remains to be seen if it was too late or not to book the job. We'll see, but in the meantime, I think I need to deal with a little bit of my garbage this week.

Bloody scary isn't it?

Opportunities to transform are all around us. In the blink of the eye we can elevate our soul to a whole new realm. We know this logically, but when it becomes practical - about putting it into place and just doing it - It's painful.

No pain. No gain.

Thanks for listening. I needed to vent. (BAM! More "Business") : )

Old Sparks, New Flames

Thursday evening was quite surreal for me.

As anticipated, I met my dear friends William and Tommy to catch up and socialize. Nothing major.

William suggested a place, now owned by a friend of his, called "The Hourglass Tavern", located on 46th Street and 9th Ave.

I knew it well as I, once upon a time, lived above the restaurant.

As a general rule of late, I have stayed away from that particular part of town. Perhaps because it reminds me of a me that doesn't serve remembering. But I can tell you one reason why, is because of a certain embarrassment I anticipated feeling if I were ever to run into the buildings owners, Chris and Tina, ever again.

You see, I moved into that apartment when I was 20 years old. Quite fresh to New York, apt 4E was my first real home. At the time I was working at the Olive Garden in Times Square serving tables and one day met a girl called Aphrodite. She was a special soul, as the name indicates. Outspoken, a bit brash at times, very voluptuous, very pretty... and Greek. When I told her of my current living situation, which was a notch down from "livable", She told me how her "Aunt & Uncle" owned a little restaurant and an apartment building on the corner of 9th Ave & 46th St. Aphie said she thought that they might have a vacant apartment that I might be able to stay in for a while until I found a more permanent home.

God bless the Goddess, Aphrodite. She made it happen.

I met Chris and Tina shortly thereafter and we hit it off famously. Their very broken English and my acting ability to imitate it made for comedy one can not put on a stage. There was something about our connection that felt like family. The next day Tina showed me to my new apartment. She told me that they had been using it for storage for a very long time and that I could do anything I wanted to it, as to make it more my own. There were a few pieces of furniture, including a dining room table and a beautiful antique armour. But other than these little acompanyments the place needed LOADS of work.

In a hurry that day I dropped my bags and changed for work, NOT spending too much time surveying my new piece of land.

I got home from the OG (olive garden) late that evening. As I opened the door to my new home and turned on the lights, a scurry of mice flew into their lofty little corners. I screamed bloody murder. So much for my cute little idea of popping down my sleeping bag and calling it a night. Always one of re-invention, I pulled out my McGuyver skills and decided that the best place for me to sleep was on the dining room table. At least the mice could not get me there and it would serve its needs well, as I was not having any guest over anytime soon!

Then... I walked into the "Kitchen". What I found was mortifying to thine eyes. Low and behold, the "Kitchen" consisted of a small sink, and to the left of it - a stove. And to the left of the stove, a refrigerator. On the OTHER side of the sink, perched next to the window was ... A bathtub. Hmmm ... I thought. Interesting. At the far end of the "Kitchen" was a closet. I opened up the closet and low and behold ... A toilet ! Nothing else. I mean, thank GOD the toilet was at least separate.... but where was the shower????

As it was, I was conjuring up delicious Gemini ideas about taking a tub while frying eggs at the same time one one of those hung over mornings!

As my day's progressed there in that little abode I made 4E home. My parents came to visit me regularly, usually for Thanksgiving which we always had at the Hourglass. Every time they left Tina would tell my Mom "I am watching him for you, don't worry". My Mom left quite an impression on Tina, and vice versa. Mother to Mother.

My Ego and I became a little too comfortable for our own good. I soon began to take in any stray friend who needed a home, some of them lasting months at a time and even one particular guest that lasted several years. On 9/11 my house became the midtown bunker. There were a multitude of folk shacking up at the Casa del Bobby. The biggest problem was not that I felt the need to play Ms. Hanagin, but that I did it with only my best interest in mind. "Making the most" out of life to me was partying like a rock star. The more ... the merrier.

It's the "taking in the strays" that did me in, I think. I've always had a problem saying NO. Especially to people who I want love and attention from. In doing so, I went months without paying my rent at times (and it should be noted that the rent for my ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT in MIDTOWN was $675 a month) and had parties that lasted days. We cranked the noise levels repeatedly and, in an attempt at ART, painted one entire wall Black only to hang a solid white canvas in the center of it.

I was, aptly put, - A mess.

But here's the kicker. Never once did Chris and Tina ever "demand" rent from me. They always trusted that they would get it, eventually. And they did. Never once did they ever come upstairs complaining about my guests or my parties, or my noise, or my art. Never. In 7 years rarely was the door to their second floor apartment ever even closed. There was always some kind of beautiful smell emerging, coupled with a Marlboro. Whenever they saw me coming, they always offered me a seat at their table. Regardless how far behind I was in my rent.

In 2003, I moved to Los Angeles to escape my party life style. I left behind subject A - the roommate that never left - in hopes that he would keep up the place and pay the rent with respect.

A year later, I returned for a visit. Chris told me about stuff that went on, and how it was "my apartment" and nobody else's. If I chose to return to LA, which I was, I was going to have to relinquish 4E back to them.

I did so, with great sadness. I thought I'd (and wanted to) have that place forever. Upon moving out, I was left with the mess of moving out the old roommates too. What a way to pick up ones karmic baggage, I was convinced.

I was so ashamed of myself then. I was sad that I had let them down, that I had not given to them what they had always given to me.

On Thursday night when William asked me to meet him there, I was so scared and nervous. I was ashamed of running into them again. What would I say? How could I apologize for being so insensitive in my actions all those years.

I arrived to a completely new Hourglass Tavern. Chris was no longer running the restaurant and had sold the business to another lovely couple who really kept the old spirit alive, but who ended up adding a new twist to this restaurant row staple.

Chris and Tina were no where to be seen. Now I was worried what happened to them. One of the servers who used to work as a server in the restaurant was still working there. Maria is her name. Maria is and has always been close to the family. Like a niece I think. I saw her and she did not recognize me at first. In that moment she was a little cold and it fed every insecurity that I had as per the above.

We left the bar there to go to another bar but decided to eventually go back. When I got back, Chris and Tina were there, sitting out front of the restaurant, as they always did. Sitting there saying hello to the neighbors and regulars with the biggest smile from ear to ear always. They were always like the mayors of Hells Kitchen. As I turned the corner, our eyes met. They both jumped out of their seat "BOBBY" she said "Zeiboogie" he said (don't ask me what that mean's but it was always the name Chris called me). " Is this really you? Where have you been?" "We miss you so much" and they began to cry. As their tears fell, so did mine. They both embraced me and caught me up on the last 6 years. "You need...anything let us know" When they found out that I had been living in the city, they were very upset.

"Why haven't you come to see us?"

"We love you, you are like family to us"

I promised to do so now. We exchanged numbers, took a few pictures and laughed until we were blue in the face.

It was a moment in which my heart was healed.

We walk around our experience everyday with these little bubbles of energy attached to us, based on our limited perception. When we confront demons from our past we somehow metaphysically manage to remove one of those bubbles. Instantly we become lighter.

I wish to have these experiences daily. After this ONE, I felt like this bubble that I had burdened myself with weighed a thousand pounds.

An Inspiring Woman

Many years ago, I had the opportunity to teach a SFK (successforkids.org) Family Class at the Kabbalah center.

The Family classes are so different than the outreach classes for many reasons, but mainly because it creates an environment for unity amongst families. It offers each of them the same vocabulary to use both inside, and outside of the classroom. It gives them all the power to take responsibility, both parents and kids alike.

In many cases, the children are the ones who end up teaching the parents a thing or two about "Reactive Behavior" and Choosing to listen to the "Good Guy Voice" instead of the "Opponent".

As is with many SFK family classes, this particular class was not just for families that are in lower socio-economic demographics, but for everyone.

Meet "The Bochners".

I was immediately drawn to this family for many reasons. There is a dynamic amongst them that is unmistakable. They are both bold and wholesome at the same time. Think Brady Bunch, meets the Osborne's.

Mr. Bochner is a very successful Doctor. His wife, Lisa, after spending many years working in marketing and PR, chose not to work and to be active in the lives of their two children. Active is she ever, and not in a nagging annoying way either. It's rare that you see children (now teenagers) responding to and respecting their parents the way these two respect Lisa. Lisa is VERY grounded and real, yet very much a dreamer, she is hip, she is cool, she is beautiful, both inside and out.

Just being in her presence makes you aware that the universe has huge plans for her.

What seemed on the surface at the time was clearly a facade. Soon after I began teaching them, I found out that Lisa was enduring a battle with stage 4 breast cancer. She had started to undergo the necessary treatments and was masking their effects with unbelievable grace. If her husband would have never told me, I would have never know.

Their entire family was in a state of shock. Their rock was starting to roll, and not in a fun way.

After the class concluded, we kept in touch. I would visit them all regularly and have dinner with them. The Bochner's really allowed me into their home as a part of their family. Lisa won her battle with Breast Cancer like it was the world series. After doing so, nothing was stopping her.

Shortly after, Braden - their son, grew extremely fond of Fashion. They support and encourage him in ways that are far beyond the "normal" American family. For example, one year Braden wanted to do a collection of outfits, a la Project Runway. Lisa organized an evening at their house, equipped with Red Velvet Cupcakes and Swag Bags that contained little mini Bliss products.

This is Lisa. She would not only do this for her own children, but for anyone.

For example, several months ago, I expressed a desire to meet Harvey Weinstein. The Weinstein's are producing the film adaptation of Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist". It's my dream to play the dreamer, "Santiago". When Lisa heard about this she was bound and determined to find the man. To tell you what kind of relationship she has with the cosmos, shortly after having this conversation, she was at a movie with her son. As they walked out of the theater - BAM! There was Harvey. She went right up to him and told him about me.

Lets be frank. Not just "Anyone" would do such a thing.

Last year, Lisa created an unbelievable organization called The Wonder Girls (thewondergirls.org) that empowers girls age 12 - 18 by offering them workshops with professional, successful women, whom they can look up to and even be mentored by. The organization has grown exponentially and is beginning to draw some major attention. They are now in the process of negotiations with major magazines for sponsorships. All from Lisa's efforts.

I had breakfast with Lisa a few days ago. Upon seeing her I noticed something incredibly different about her. A glow, if you will - not to sound clice. She shared with me that she and her husband were separated and are pursuing a divorce. "It was time" she said. "I could not be happier" she went on. She expressed how she had spent the last 20 + years of her life living to make her Husband happy.

Make no mistake, this awakening, has lead her to this turning point in her life. She is ready to live life not only for herself, but in the capacity to help and inspire people around the world.

She inspires me so much, I want you to meet her.

Lisa my number one Vote for More Magazine's "Most Fabulous Over 40" Lady.

If you feel so inclined, go to http://www.more.com/13752/16268-lisa-bochner--51 and vote for her as well.