"The Business"

There is an old term they use around my spiritual center for telling you (or better yet, telling you by NOT telling you) where and how you need to grow to become a better version of you.

They call it, giving you "The Business".

In layman's terms, it's pointing out the rather "smelly" parts of your character. All Ego. Some ego is good, yes, but the ego that goes with "The Business" is never good. Usually it's stuff like neediness and entitlement. In my case, it's usually (but certainly not limited to) rooted in my need for approval. Lately, it's gotten out of hand...I am gathering.

Think of it like this; your "business" is like that pile of papers in your office that has been stacking up in the corner that you know you need to deal with, but for some reason or another has become almost decoration to you. In fact, you'd hate to see it go away because what ELSE will you put there!

That's kinda the story on my approval shit. It surfaced it's ugly head pretty bad this week.

You see I started a new job as a bartender a few weeks back in a fancy restaurant downtown. That was the first mistake. I never really wanted the job to begin with, in fact I knew this would happen. However, I took the job because it fell into my lap and I was feeling like that was the next best step for me to take to ... please my partner.

Ouch. The truth hurts.

I don't think he really wanted me to take it either. So that makes it worse. Perhaps I took it out of a little spitefulness? I tend to do that when I am feeling my livelihood threatened. BAM! Major "Business".

Every day of this job has been a nightmare. I would love to tell you about it, however, they made me sign a document saying that I would never talk about how bad it is. So ... I digress.

Naturally, being the one who "believes in the light" so much, I started praying. For a miracle to happen. That I would get an acting job that would take me away from there. Something that would give me a good reason to resign with, as opposed to "You're an asshole and It makes me sick how you treat people", because that would be confrontation, and CONFRONTATION, my friends is BAM! More of my "Business".

Last Wednesday I got a call from the restaurant. One of the other bartenders, whom they hired me to replace was let go and they needed me to step up my availability to take over his shift on Friday Lunch. So I did. Because I have a hard time saying "NO". BAM! More of my "Business".

In doing so, I missed out on a meeting with my teacher (which I only get to have about every 3 weeks) and had to end up paying for a singing coaching, which I had to cancel last minute and couldn't even attend. The singing lesson is $55. I made $46 on my Lunch shift.

When I got to work on Friday I noticed that my schedule for next week was already fucked. I teach a class on Monday's at the Dept. of Probation, and when I got hired there I was very clear about not being available during that time. I am scheduled for Lunch on Monday. Scheduled then again for a double shift on Friday and Saturday night.

This morning, first thing, I received an email from one of the casting offices I regularly book work with. She was asking me about my availability for Friday, because she wanted to book me on a film. I responded to her email "No, I'm sorry I am unavailable Friday". That's me "Mr. Loyalty-to-a-fault" BAM! "MAJOR BUSINESS"

Later today while spending time with Karen she asked me if I had booked work recently. I told her, "Funny you ask, they emailed to book me today, but I told them I was unavailable because I was scheduled at the bar"... She lost it, and rightfully so.

I mean, look, here was that answer to the prayer that I had been waiting for... and I missed it. I was too busy being caught up in the bitching and moaning about the restaurant that I failed to see that the opportunity.

When I took the job I made a promise that the bar would never interfere with my Acting. Now, I had blatantly lied to myself. BAM .. more "Business".

I thought about it for a second and emailed casting back, explaining that I was now available. It still remains to be seen if it was too late or not to book the job. We'll see, but in the meantime, I think I need to deal with a little bit of my garbage this week.

Bloody scary isn't it?

Opportunities to transform are all around us. In the blink of the eye we can elevate our soul to a whole new realm. We know this logically, but when it becomes practical - about putting it into place and just doing it - It's painful.

No pain. No gain.

Thanks for listening. I needed to vent. (BAM! More "Business") : )